Giant Panamanian Polar Pirhabbits Of Bush Era Gone Extinct Under Obama

The sudden disappearance of GPP Pirhabbits under Obama is as mysterious as their first appearance on the scene, as this report from 2006 illustrates:

Giant Panamanian Polar Pihrabbits Strip Flesh From Helpless Carrots

Mai Hoo reporting from Garbonzo, Panama

Feb 12, 2006

As dawn broke in this usually peaceful jungle village, sobs were heard coming from the humble garden plots of the local residents.

Once again, giant pihrabbits had mercilessly devoured many of the carrots which had been lovingly planted by the gentle jungle-dwelling natives of this highland territory.

"We don't understand why these monsters are coming into our village", said one distrought gardener, as she gazed at several green remainders of devoured carrots. "Look, it is just like those rabbits ate the body, but left the green hair behind. How can we tolerate this? Will our cabbages be next?"

Brazillian investigators have fielded the theory that global warming drove Amazonian bunnies into the Amazon river, where they found relief from sweltering heat. But how those bunnies were impregnated by the vicious, flesh-eating river pihrannas, remains a mystery.

Bush administration officials scoffed at this theory, stating that global warming is as big a myth as giant jungle bunnies who raid carrot gardens in the dark of night.

"Bunnies remain the penultimate archetype of fuzzy cuteness", said a White House spokesman. "The natives of Panama must be mistaking chupacabras for rabbits. Global warming is not a proven theory, unlike Intelligent Design."

Local genetic scientists, working under the handicaps of lack of electric power, clean water, and modern instrumentation, have analyzed samples of the bunny-saliva and have determined that the genes of polar bears has been found, as well as rabbit and pihranna fish. "Hey, we may live in a jungle, but we watch CSI too, you know", they said. "Modern genetics is now our primary tool, in our quest to abolish superstition and bring Panama into the 21st century".

Peruvian scientists have theorized that due to global warming and the breakup of arctic polar ice, polar bears stranded on icebergs have drifted south, and have been sighted swimming in the Amazon river. But US Government officials, on condition of anonymity, revealed that recent satellite photos do not show any polar bears south of northern California. "Polar bears do not mate with pirhannas, they eat them."

Argentinian psychiatrists have expressed alarm at the mood of polar bears sampled thus far, and fear that global warming has changed the chemistry of the bears brains, causing bipolar disorder. "We have noticed that these polar bears are either very depressed, or inexplicably happy, even ecstatic", said one scientist. "We theorize that these bears, in their understandable desperation for relief from this painful disorder, have resorted to having sex with cute little bunnies, but only when the bears are in their ecstatic mood. Otherwise, they just eat them".

Is it possible that this accounts for the origin of the gigantic, carrot-hungry pihrabbits of the Panamanian jungle highlands? And is this yet more evidence of global warning, or is it yet more hysteria generated by hordes of disenfranchized expatriot liberals, who have chosen to live in foreign jungles, rather than to cruelly carve out a conservative lifestyle from the heart of America?